Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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