oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
