Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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