Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
