Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
