this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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