just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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