My Higher Power is John Stamos
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
