you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
