U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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