I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
