I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Also, beer. Big fan.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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