You're my little dorito
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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