It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
