Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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