My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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