I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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