listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
