theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
