I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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