I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
