there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
