Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
