Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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