You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
