ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
