Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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