woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
