thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
