You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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