I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
