Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You can't motorboat a personality
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
