Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
