i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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