sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
