Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
