This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
