Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
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I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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