If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
