I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
