How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
