The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
