corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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