When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
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on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize