it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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