the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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