It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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