he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
