My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
