Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
