Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
