omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
