so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
