Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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