If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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