I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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