After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
