he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
